better. I'm only 14 so its not perfect.
Glancing around in hopes of finding a way out of the four walls that were closing in around him, he failed to find the relief of escape. Sighing heavily, he rose and paced around the room. He knew that if he idled longer he wouldn鈥檛 get out alive. The fact is he can鈥檛 escape. Knowing this, thoughts of suicide filled his mind.
They found him, they caught him, and locked him up. Knowing that he had no real chance of surviving the days to come he surveyed his surroundings. The room was all white which disguised it's square shape. There was no doors or windows. The only source of light was illuminating from what seemed to be nowhere.
Jason Lan was alone in the box shaped room. The shallow lighting made the room seem like it was closing in on him. The shadows in corner of the room had a creepy quality. The silence forced him to hear the sound of his own thoughts.
"I鈥檝e got to get out", he thought to himself. 鈥淚f I don鈥檛 find a way out, God knows what will happen to me. I can't stick around to find out.鈥?Jason then remembered the camera that had been watching him since the beginning of his stay. For sixteen straight days, the camera has been watching his every move. He stared at the camera with immense curiosity. "Who has been watching me the whole time?" he thought aloud. Panicked by the thought of someone watching him, he moved his eyes away from the camera as if doing so would make the camera disappear.
Suddenly he heard the sound of footsteps. He quickly focused his eyes to where the sound was coming from. He ran to the wall and pressed his ears against it listening intently. He heard only the sound of a single pair of footsteps.
"Good," he thought with confidence, " I can handle one person." As the sound of footsteps became louder and louder, he slowly walked away from the wall. He went into a crouching position, ready to attack whomever would enter the room. While he was waiting, he imagined what would he do next after he put the person down.
He groaned aloud while thinking of how he should have planned all the details earlier. But there was no time left to plan. The abrupt silence of the footsteps outside brought him out of his thoughts. The absence of sound, even if only for a minute, seemed like hours to Jason. He soon realized that he actually had no chance of bringing down whoever was outside those walls. He was a mere boy of sixteen and the person outside could be the size of weight building thug. He started to panic. He stayed rigid in his position, praying that he could get out in one piece.
Suddenly the ground started to shake violently. It was strong enough to send him to the ground on his hands and knees. The violent quake ceased after what seemed a few minutes.
He rose slowly and tried to stabilize himself in a standing position. He then notice there was now an opening in the wall he鈥檇 been facing. Standing in the newly formed entrance was a figure. The light from the outside was blinding him, making him unable to distinguish the figure. It was obviously human, so he decided to drop the alien abduction theory.
鈥?Who are you?鈥?He asked the figure demandingly.
鈥?Just someone trying to help鈥?The figure replied. The voice he instantly recognized as the voice of a girl. She sounded like she about the same age as him.
鈥?Help who, exactly?鈥?Again asking her demandingly.
鈥?You, Jason. I鈥檓 trying to help you.鈥?br> 鈥?Why? And how do you know my name.鈥?Before replying she walked out of the light and entered the room. She looked to be about 5ft 8鈥?slim. She had long flowing brown hair and her eyes were glowing sapphire. When Jason looked her straight in the eye, he felt like he was falling in an endless ocean.. She was wearing black tank top , black hip-hugger jeans, and black combat boots. At the waste she had studded belt in which she holstered a pair of Glock 23 pistols. One on her left side and the other on her right. It also held extra cartridges of bullets. He was right about her age. She looked like she was about sixteen going on seventeen.
鈥?How bout run now talk later.鈥?She said without hesitation.
鈥?Why should I follow you? I barley know your name鈥?He said defiantly.
鈥?Why?鈥?She said disbelief, 鈥?You must stupider then I thought. See its simple, you stay you die or you follow you live. Got it!鈥?
鈥?I got it. But can I at least know your name?鈥?br> 鈥?Is that really impor鈥?.鈥?br> 鈥?YES!鈥?br> 鈥淔INE! God your stubborn. It鈥檚 Terra Gem, alright. Can we please go now before they come?!鈥?
鈥?Gem?鈥?br> 鈥淥h my God. Are you really going to just stand and criticize my last name?鈥?br> Jason stood there, at his height of 6ft 3鈥? Looked at her with brown eyes, thinking of what to do. He had long black hair that fell few inches past his shoulder with bangs that fell to his face almost covering his eyes. He was wearing what he wore the day he was taken from his house. Plain jeans, black shirt, and a black thin hooded jacket. He as well had black combat boots.
鈥?Hey! Had good look at me yet!鈥?She said with an impatient tone in her voice.
鈥?Are those the same boots I鈥檓 wearing?鈥?
鈥?Jesus! Why don鈥檛 we start running first, then when we are out you can compare the similarities we share in the fashion world all you want! Now come on!鈥?Before he could say anything more, Terra grabbed him by the wrist and started running out of the room. As they exited the room, the alarm system was set off.
鈥淒amn.鈥?Terra cursed under breath. She looked around and saw no other exit except the one straight ahead of them. Without hesitation, they went for the single exit.
Once they reached the exit, it open only to reveal two muscular men. They both were wearing similar black suits with gray ties. They shielded their eyes sunglasses, and carried machine guns. They looked to be about 6ft 8鈥? and they had pale white skin. They looked down at Jason and Terra for a moment and then smiled vicious smiles, that revealed oddly sharp pointed teeth. With the guards blocking the only exit they had, Terra decided to take them down.
She walked a few feet back and smiled innocently at them. The innocent smile disappeared as fast it came. In one quick move she pulled out the Glock 23 pistols, and pointed it at them viscously. The guards looked at her with amusement.
Then the guard to the left said with deep tone to his voice, 鈥? I don鈥檛 think those are appropriate toys for little girls.鈥?br> 鈥?Yeah鈥?Agreed the other guard in the same deep, dark tone, 鈥?Little girls should be playing with dollies and little stuff animals.鈥?br> 鈥淪o, why don鈥檛 you be good little girl and hand them over so nobody gets hurt.鈥?br> Annoyed by the dollies and stuff toy comments, she said back with a more stern voice, 鈥?I think I will keep them if you don鈥檛 mind.鈥?br> 鈥淟ook little girl, we don鈥檛 want to have to hurt anybody here. We just want you to hand over the guns and go back to your room. And bring you little boyfriend with you.鈥?The guard to the left said, with an impatient tone in his voice.
With a smirk on her face she said, 鈥?Oh. You think you have the balls to hurt poor innocent little girl like me.鈥?She made puppy dogs eyes and fluttered her eyelids at them then asked mockingly, 鈥?What do you think your boss would say when you tell him that everyone bone in your body was broken by a little girl?鈥?br> Before they made a move, she pulled the trigger on both guns and shot them in the shoulders twice. They wince at the pain and drop their guns to the floor. The machine guns hit the floor, the sound of impact echoed through out the vast empty area. They stood at the bridge that connected the square room to the outside room鈥檚 entrance and only exit. Surround them was nothing but an open globe shaped room. Like the room, everything was white.
Terra holstered the Glocks at her belt, and quickly ran three feet towards the guards and then jumped and slammed her heel against skull of the guard at the right. She landed one her right foot and quickly swung around and stabbed her left foot against the other guard鈥檚 stomach. Both guards fell, not know what just hit them. She gave a quick nod to Jason, who just stood there completely oblivious to the situation, and then ran out the door. Outside the globe area, they found out it wouldn鈥檛 be easy to escape. They were cameras on the walls that detected heat and even the slightest motion. They both stood still turn the heads to face each other.
鈥?It鈥檚 going to be harder then thought isn鈥檛?鈥?Jason asked quietly.
鈥?Yeah. I should of thought this through before I came running in.鈥?Terra said admittedly
鈥?Wait you didn鈥檛 plan this out?鈥?br> 鈥?The only thing I know for sure, is the way out of here. I forgot about the security and guards.鈥?She paused for a moment, sighed, and continued, 鈥?Our goal is to get out right?鈥?Jason nodded in reply. 鈥?Then you need to trust me and we must work together, got it?鈥?br> 鈥?Got it鈥?He replied, 鈥?But we need to hurry before we find ourselves in deep ****.鈥?br> 鈥?I think we鈥檙e a little too late for that.鈥?
鈥?What you mea鈥︹€?Before he finished what he was going to say he understood what she meant. There were dozen guards pointing there loaded machine guns at them. They both simultaneously raised their hands in the air.
鈥?This is what you meant by deep ****, right?鈥?Terry quietly asked.
鈥?Yeah basically.鈥?He replied.
I'm currently writing a story. Heres half oh Chapter 1, pls read and tell me what you think, and how it can be
You need serious help with punctuation.
(Learn how to use a semi-colin ";".)
It seems contrived, not natural.
A little out of order, ex. who cares what Jason is wearing in the middle of the dialog.
The story itself is interesting, but a tad cliche..."(eyes like)endless ocean" extreme cliche. An editor might reject your whole work for a phrase like that because it is so over used it testifies a lack of creativity.
It needs more unique color, for example the prison cell seems generic.
Try not to re-use the same words: exactly, asked, eyes, escape, especially in a following sentance,...it gets repetitive.
"Glancing around in hopes of finding a way out of the four walls that were closing in around him, he failed to find the relief of escape. Sighing heavily, he rose and paced around the room. He knew that if he idled longer he wouldn鈥檛 get out alive. The fact is he can鈥檛 escape. Knowing this, thoughts of suicide filled his mind. "
This is paradoxical. Why would he want to get out a live, and then because he can't he would kill himself. It's okay to have an audience draw their own conclusion, but you can't Deus-ex-Machina the work. There needs to be motivation for suicide, it isn't an easy alternative to imprisionment for many.
You also use a lot of Passive sentances: For example instead of: "The fact is he can't escape" just say, "he can't escape." 99% the extra words weaken the sentance.
Try to use more active verbs like:
The two new friends DARTED down the corridor
The left guardsman impatiently discorded. INSTEAD OF:
The guard to the left said, with an impatient tone in his voice.
But these are just pointers. It's better than most things I've read from your age group.
I'm currently writing a story. Heres half oh Chapter 1, pls read and tell me what you think, and how it can be
good
I'm currently writing a story. Heres half oh Chapter 1, pls read and tell me what you think, and how it can be
u aint fourteen and no bodies gonna read all that just to tell u if its good. but if u are 14 i give u props
I'm currently writing a story. Heres half oh Chapter 1, pls read and tell me what you think, and how it can be
It reads like it was written by an adolescent. Keep trying, you will improve.
I'm currently writing a story. Heres half oh Chapter 1, pls read and tell me what you think, and how it can be
I really enjoyed that, and I am an avid reader. Are you sure you are only 14?? If you are, you are certainly going to go places with your writting skills. Keep It up.
I'm currently writing a story. Heres half oh Chapter 1, pls read and tell me what you think, and how it can be
WOW!!!! r u seriously only 14 years old?? this is great work:) you have a wonderful imagination. good luck for the rest of the book.
I'm currently writing a story. Heres half oh Chapter 1, pls read and tell me what you think, and how it can be
I really liked the beginning to your story. I am not an editor so any flaws in your character development or phrasing I would'nt know about but I enjoyed reading it and it drew me in to want to know more about the characters. Why was he put in the room? Who are the people that are after him? Who is the mysterious Terra Gem? How did she know he was in there? Are they after her too? Or is she part of the problem, leading him to his doom? These are things I'd want to know if I read the whole book. Hope the encouragement helps if nothing else!
I'm currently writing a story. Heres half oh Chapter 1, pls read and tell me what you think, and how it can be
That was pretty good. just read it through or get someone else too, proof read it just a few mistakes and Terra changed her name to Terry in the last sentence. Good on you keep it up.
I'm currently writing a story. Heres half oh Chapter 1, pls read and tell me what you think, and how it can be
this is good but here let me point out a few things I thought you could work on
1. he wouldn鈥檛 get out alive. The fact is he can鈥檛 escape
drop the shortened forms when writing narrative. could not, cannot sound more professional
2. 鈥?Yeah. I should of thought this through before I came running in.鈥?Terra said
鈥?Yeah. I should of thought this through before I came running in,(comma)鈥?Terra said
same for some of the conversations above. you need to work on your punctuations.
I'm currently writing a story. Heres half oh Chapter 1, pls read and tell me what you think, and how it can be
Good start. Write more and send it to an on-line writers group for helpful advice, eg critters.org. Answers is not the place to send serious writing. Most people here can barely spell their own names (present company excepted, of course!)
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